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Saturday, November 03, 2007

I am disappointed. I am very disappointed. I am super disappointed. I am extremely disappointed. I am disappointed in myself. Disappointed in how I behave. Disappointed in the things that come across my mind. Disappointed for being so hungry for attention. I am disappointed in people. People around me, people close to me. Disappointed in the way they treat me. Disappointed in the way they regard me.
Am I a different person in school? Am I a different person in front of my friends? Am I a different person at home? Am I fake?
I'm happy when people laugh at my jokes. I am able to make people laugh. I'm happy when people make fun of me. I am able to laugh at myself. I don't mind making a fool of myself. But someone was disgusted by my actions. Why? Am I such a turn off?
I love to lend a listening ear. But if you don't speak, how am I going to be able to listen? I love to go out and have lunch and dinner with friends. I'm really heartened whenever you guys ask me to come along. Out of politeness or from the bottom of your heart, I do not care. Despite the fact that you guys know I will reject your invitation 9 out of the 10 times you ask, at least you bothered. I thank you for that. But whenever you did not ask, a thought will immediately flash across my mind : How would you know if I'm going to reject your offer again? Please ask.
Of course, it's easier said than done. But it's the only way to reduce all those unnecessary misunderstandings that could have been avoided. It's the only way to strengthen a bond. It's the only way to understand each other. I've have been hinting on my blog. But I guess the hints have always been neglected and forgotten. I understand. I have been unpopular all my life. Since Primary school, I have been the kid that didn't have a friend. In secondary school, I was out casted when a new person joined my clique. Even during polytechnic, I felt the slight difference in treatment. I always felt inferior in the clique. But I don't have the courage to voice it out. I don't have the determination to prove them wrong. I'm an idiot.
I don't ask because I am afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of being thought of as nosey. Afraid that the person will tell me that :"I'm sorry. I can't tell you." This sentence is what starts the formation of a wall between the person and me. The start of a crack. The start of the drifting process. It makes me feel that I'm a complete outsider. If you don't want to tell me your secrets, then please don't let me know that you have one. I'd rather not know the existence of this secret than sleep a restless night. Thinking of the millions of things that could just be your little secret. Shared between the others. But not me. You leave my heart feeling unsettled. You leave me feeling curious.
These are my thoughts. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. But this is what I feel. Of course there are more insecurities. The way I look. The way people criticize the way I dress. I swallow it without uttering a single word. I smile at these comments. I have no choice. If I show a black face, people will think of me as unfriendly. As a Petty asshole that doesn't have a sense of humour. The consequences are too great for me to face. The loss of one good friend is enough to last me for the rest of my life. I'm sorry for blowing my top. I'm really sorry I destroyed the new friendship bud that was growing s strongly. I'm really very sorry. You can hate me. You may have forgiven me for my behaviour. But you will remember it for the rest of your life. I hope you won't. I want this friendship back. But I don't have the guts to say it out. I missed the chance you gave me. I will never get another chance. Serves me right.
And to another friend. I may not have expressed concern when you told me you were down. I may not have probed further when you told me to leave you alone. I respected your request. I left you alone. But what did I get in return? I became someone that 'wasn't there for you when you were down'. I was concerned no doubt. But I was brave to ask. i was afraid that I would disturb you. You said that you would be fine after a while. I took your words and believed it. I didn't dare reply your sms even though I wanted to say some words of comfort to you. I waned to call you. I was afraid you would find me a nuisance. I did not sleep properly that night. I felt a tiny pang of guilt at the pit of my stomach. Again, I wasn't brave enough to ask. Then I saw it in your blog. It was that post that made me write this post, You were brave enough to face your feelings. Now it;s my turn. This might have a negative response with my friends. But i typed it all out. Now, it's only down to whether I have the guts to post it.
I have something to say. It is dedicated for you. You may have heard it numerous times already. But I have to say it again. The first step is always the most difficult step to take. No one is going to force you. Just take your time. At your own pace. But don't ever give yourself an excuse. you have made the decision to forget about it. So you have to do it. i want to see the girl that never knew what emo was all about. I want to have your old joyful self back again. You might just take a tiny baby step. But it is still a step taken. And I believe that it will not be the only step you will take. Jia You! :D

5:33 PM