Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Why is it that I am the only one you choose to scold? Why is it that I am the only one that got caned since young? You never bothered to find out the truth. Or maybe, you know the truth. But you just chose me to vent your anger on. Why? Is it because i'm the eldest? Is it because she's 'still too young'? Or is it because you're just plain biased?I admit. You might have bought more stuff for me than for her. So? Does it mean that spending more money on me gives you the right to scold me out of the blue? If that's the case, i'd rather you buy absolutely nothing for me and just shower me with more love, care and concern. That's all i ask of you. Simple. But impossible.You complained that you are feeling worn out. You complain that i do not help with the house chores at all. You cry in front of me. Does making me feel miserable give you a kick? If yes, then you must be sick in the mind.Others can sit down and have a talk openly with their parents. Others adviced me to sit down and talk openly to you. I want to. But is it even possible? I can just forget about it. Just wishful thinking on my part. There were times when i told myself to pluck up the courage to confront you and have a heart to heart talk. But i never had enough courage to do so. Coming to think of it, i think our relationship is just pathetic. Nothing else. Who the hell would need to consider so much just to have a chat with their parents?If you've known in the past that you would be under tremendous stress coping with providing for the family, then why did you choose to divorce? Even if you guys had no choice and divorce was the only option, why did you insist on having my custoday? I could have been much well off now. I might be some rich ass not having to care a shit about having insufficient money to further my studies.How biased can you be? You caned me whenever i did something wrong. And all you did when she did something wrong was to scold. Not even lifting a finger to hurt her. She have not even been given one stroke of the caned throughout her life. You even believe her lies instead of all the truth that i tell you. You do not even try to listen to me. What she says is always the truth. I am always the naughty kid. The one that was rude. The one that caused trouble in school. The one with the lousy grade.How can it be that every mum would feel the heart ache after scolding their daughter and you can joke right after slapping my face. Not one. Not twice. But countless of times. Left and right, left and right. As if it didn't matter because my face isn't yours. Because if i get disfigured, you wouldn't be the one getting the weird stares from strangers. Because i was the one feeling the pain. Not you.Which mother would make her kid feel so left out, she had suicidal thoughts at a tender age of 11. I've never gone out with my primary school friends before. Not even once. And i've never been angry about that. Instead, the thoughts that came into my mind whenever I think of going out for the first time, is not which shopping centre to go to. Not which friend I wanted to go out twith. But, which place should I go to kill myself. That's how I felt when I was a kid. I've always thought to myself that she will regret for life if she ever let's me go out with my friends. Because, i will never come back once i leave the house. Of course that didn't happen.She even forced me to such an extent, that i used a pin and carved the word 'hate' on my wrist.All these retarded shitty stuff only happens to me. It's like super what the fuck.Shit her.
8:45 PM
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